Posts Tagged With: help

Transition, Move, Save Home

I’ve three goals in my life:

Saving family home, the only home we have, from mortgage debt kicking us out. My parents are sickly, and they do all they can, but it’s not enough even with all I have. Mother just recently dug herself out of the grasp of cancer, and my father is diabetic, obese, and just plain ol old. They’re good people, but that’s why banks are so hard on their backs.

Moving out, preferably out of the country, and gaining a citizenship of some place else. In my language baggage I have English and German, and Scotland is very welcoming, so that’s my first option. The reason for this is also a third reason for this fundraiser.

I need, and I cannot stress it more than I NEED to start transitioning before I went mad. I have severe case of manic depression, and it slowly kills me. On top of it, I’m a transgender. The first I ever realized I’m not insane and this is a thing was late in my teenage years. Truly late. I really thought I should just be in mental institution, and tried often and hard to… End it. When I actually realized this is a thing, that there are such people, and that my brain is in tact – I felt nothing less from bliss. And even now in the darkest spells of depression, this is one of the very rare things that can help me get back on track: one day I might be whole.

So now that you got through short versions, here’s the long versions and a bonus:

Saving Home / Transition / Art Commissions, anyone?

P.S. Apologies for lack of pictures. It’s internet, and if there’s ever “before and after” of me on it, I wish it to be on my own terms, and not some malicious individual.

https://gogetfunding.com/transition-move-save-home/

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Categories: About Msg2TheMing, Creations, Little Joys, My Work, The Afterlife, Treasures | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

[0712] Cops and Life

I had an extremely rough day yesterday. As some of you know, we’re at risk of eviction. My work has ended, so my personal income got cut roughly in half this month. My mother is sick, and is rapidly getting thinner without us even knowing why is this so. And basically, all is going to hell.

But yesterday was an extra so day. I’m a person who was driven by anger in the past years, but anger as fuel has a problem to it: unlike Hulk, you cannot always be angry. Apathy comes. And when it does, you wish to leave. Even easier to reach this state when you have the damn manic depression.

To avoid details, I’ll just say there were three people who heard me that day. And all three acted madly. I got a call from police, kind woman carefully asking where I am, what am I doing. Then two officers came to visit, just as well asking what’s wrong, and am I sure I’m okay. The bad thing is, I was not okay. I was simply composed, because I figured what’s going on. I hid my bleeding arm behind me, as if supporting my back. I smiled and assured them we all spoke, and I’m much better now. Being hearty people they tutored me of how THIS TIME they won’t take me to mental institution, but I must take care and make sure there’s no next time.

Some of you might have noticed a sudden burst of my chattiness. I do that when I fear the silence in my head. Rare moments, but they happen. Thing is, I’m not okay. The difference between me with a blade, and me without a blade is that I hope. I hope for a sheer miracle, for there’s nothing else I can hope for. I hope, because that leftover spark in me would like to survive, no matter if anyone cares for me or not.

So if you do, I beg of you for kindness. For inside I am broken apart to so many shards that they cut and tear with every move.

Categories: About Msg2TheMing, The Afterlife | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

June Summary

I bet you thought I forgot, but I did not. So here it goes, good and bad of July.

The Good:

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One of those days a friend came for a visit. With a bag of goodies we went to the calmest present place with no people around – cemetery. After a short wandering around, we found this nice metal bench to sit upon (disturbing no one), in front of a grave that belongs to someone I partially know (father of someone I do know). We had some tomato juice, a lot of sweets, and just chatted away in the rain, for it poured heavily with short periods of chill winds that dried us off quickly. We spoke of Witcher a lot, and then delved into the history of that chapel you can see in the picture. It belonged to Lithuanian and French-Lithuanian boyars of sorts, and has a very great echo that you can hear from the doors. Those same people owned a nearby mansion that was once a school, once a hospital, now is being restored and belongs to hell knows who.

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Then there’s this whole mail and moral support thing, out of which I feel like I can only mention one, being a box full off fantastic goodies, out of which what you are seeing in the picture are mostly wrappers that I kept, because I’m one of those guys, yes. I don’t deserve the friends I’ve got, but they somehow still insist, and then I end up trying not to cry when I realize they cared so very much. It’s not about the things, the sweets, or even that wonderful tea. It’s all about the words within, the thought, the little things mentioned that allow you to understand: we might not have spoken, but I was not alone, and I am not alone now either.

Book_things

I received the Ferals book as promised, it was pretty good too. I also tidied up my book collection, picking out all I can give up without feeling the need to stab myself. I think it worked out pretty well.


Received a copy of Dying Light (and The Following), and almost completely finished it up with a friend. Co-op mode in this is like that in Saints Row – NPC’s treat you as one person, but you do everything together. Well made game, truly. Ubisoft should take notes.


Also watched brand new season of Orange is the New Black (sorry, Game of Thrones is really turning out to be not my cup of tea, the more I watch it, the less I want to, so not gonna happen), and am very pleased with how this is going. Not pleased with the wait for next season. But then pleased again, because a friend decided to at last give it a shot, and she likes it too!

There were more small and big things, and I am grateful for all of them, Thank You.

The Bad:

Bad things are bad still. Mother’s shoulder ligaments progressed out of 7mm break into 7cm break very rapidly. Her weight is insane, I can see her collar bone shape and ribs, and it scares me.

Sibling is being an asshole on colossal levels, I don’t even know how is that even possible. But seems people function properly having no brain, and no heart to speak of. Her daughter cries when grandma leaves, and she’s one year old, so be the judge of that.

Debts have put us at risk of being evicted. It’s 700 euros we’re talking about, and that’s the minimum that would merely pull us through. It’s beyond me, especially now that I’m working last days in the translating offices. It’s a funny and scary thing. We’ve very close to stepping on safe ground, and yet we have no means to reach it, therefor we’re just as close in tumbling off into an abyss with no way back. If anyone considers helping, please do, I’m all about those good vibes, shares, and payments on time that I can’t ever afford: [Fundraiser]

Categories: About Msg2TheMing, The Afterlife | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Get me out of here!

So. I call myself Quinn or Soukyan, as you prefer. I’m almost 26 now, living with my parents and manic depression. That one’s an arse. It comes and it goes. It’s unicorns and roses when it’s gone. But when it comes back – I dream of dying, disappearing.

Yet my depression is not as bad as my surroundings. Heck, I’m sure they’re fueling my depression. My sister is a bully, a religious bigot, a homophobe, racist, hypocrite, and just a selfish brat (she’s 32) who literally screams and cries if things aren’t her way. She bullies me worse than anyone else ever did nearly every day. She scolds our mother, often pushing her to tears (hit her once!! her own mother! she hit me once, but heck, I hit her back, so that won’t happen again, but our mother?!). And father just does nothing and grows sicker every day, so that’s that.

Some years ago we ended up in a lot of debt, most of it thanks to my sister and her desire to be better than everyone, in hopes people will like her more. I worked ten years, freelanced as translator, illustrator, worked in factories (packing, preparing produce) and so on. But it wasn’t enough. It’s 4 debts, each one about 5500 euros. And I don’t think that I can afford spending another 10 years on them.

So, I worked all that shit just to have my health fail, and my depression grow. I lead a double-life, since my parents and sister are against everything that I am (my mental gender, my religious views, etc). My wisdom tooth is growing sideways and hurts my whole jaw. My blood is not clotting, so they can’t perform a surgery. My blood pressure is out of control, and nosebleeds with poorly clotting blood equals waterfalls.

Right now I can’t afford a bus ticket to capital city, but if anyone’s willing to help me out a little – I’m willing to give this one more fight and push. I took all the contracts for the debts. If I can pay them off, I can have the apartment signed in my name, and sister will never get it (her little daughter can, tho, if she wants it when she’s old enough). And then, then at last I can move out and start my own life. Get my health back in order, and fulfill my life-time dream – become a true book translator.

Here’s my fundraiser, if you know nothing about me and therefor don’t trust me: [Dreams of Future]
There’s a donation button for paypal in my [Blog] if you do trust me and my story.
And then there’s two ways to help me without my ego feeling a kick in the nuts too: [Ebay] ; [Etsy] – I can’t upload everything there, since it’s a bit expensive, but you can find all things down here [CrowleyEmporium] and just email me via: soukyan.jrv@gmail.com

Categories: The Afterlife | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dreams of Future

I don’t even know where to start. Long story short – I want to bail out my home and never let the people who took it away from me – do it again.

I’ve been depressed for so many years, I don’t even recall how many. Heck, I don’t remember much from those years as is, for all is dimmed by dark gloom. But I worked from when I was 16 years old, never looking at my hand after I gave all I made away, hoping they’ll do the right thing and pay up what was needed, where it was needed. So I didn’t want to live. But I had means to survive.

Now, I dug myself out of depression. I figured I just need a goal in life. I wanted to study IT or English Philology (since I wish to be a translator/interpreter), but I can’t. I don’t make enough, I can’t get a job out here to make myself a start, nor can I move out without a starter. I want to live but I have no means to survive.

Funny, life, ain’t it? What and why I ask:

1. Medical bills
– My wisdom tooth grows sideways, a piece chipped off and today is 5th day I’m on as much painkillers as I can have without overdosing, since I can’t afford medical bills, and I can see the bare nerve in the tooth. The pain wakes me up. I don’t know how much I can take it.
– Update: this part might be taken care of soon. That is if my blood tests are good, since it wasn’t clotting right and for two months or so I had massive almost daily nosebleeds that just wouldn’t stop. I’ve been given pretty much all the meds for it and was on them for probably two weeks now.

2. Some debts need to be paid up asap.
– I can’t both study and support my family, and without my support – the debts will just grow, since what they make is just not enough, and my parents are old, they can’t work more than they already do. If I could just pay up a couple of the debts, I’d be able to help them and myself.
– Disclaimer: yes, debts aren’t mine per se, but the home is mine, and people who fell into the debts are my family, it’s not their fault. If you want a full story, feel free to write me, it’s not much of a secret.

I hear that kindness is a rare thing, and rarely repaid. But if you’ll care – I’ll care for forever. I want to survive this more than anything. And I fear that I can’t do it without help.

[My Own Home?] is one place to help. Another is the [donation button] in my profile. And third one is sharing. Trust me, it’s definitely help enough.There’s of course the fourth one, my very favorite: you buying things I have made ❤ things are here: [CrowleyEmporium] ; [Ebay] ; [Etsy] – everything’s available unless stated otherwise on Crowley Emporium, it has FULL gallery of things available, unlike Ebay or Etsy 🙂

This is completely optional. And I refuse any help from people who have families of their own to support, children, their own bills, etc. This is my own problem from out of which I should dig myself out. No matter what, I thank you for the time you give me, it’s more than anyone could offer me.

Btw, I draw those little watercolor halloween cards, in donation comments do tell me if you’d like one, I’d then use the address paypal gives me and send you one. I’d be very glad to ❤

Categories: My Work, The Afterlife | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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