I’ve three goals in my life:
Saving family home, the only home we have, from mortgage debt kicking us out. My parents are sickly, and they do all they can, but it’s not enough even with all I have. Mother just recently dug herself out of the grasp of cancer, and my father is diabetic, obese, and just plain ol old. They’re good people, but that’s why banks are so hard on their backs.
Moving out, preferably out of the country, and gaining a citizenship of some place else. In my language baggage I have English and German, and Scotland is very welcoming, so that’s my first option. The reason for this is also a third reason for this fundraiser.
I need, and I cannot stress it more than I NEED to start transitioning before I went mad. I have severe case of manic depression, and it slowly kills me. On top of it, I’m a transgender. The first I ever realized I’m not insane and this is a thing was late in my teenage years. Truly late. I really thought I should just be in mental institution, and tried often and hard to… End it. When I actually realized this is a thing, that there are such people, and that my brain is in tact – I felt nothing less from bliss. And even now in the darkest spells of depression, this is one of the very rare things that can help me get back on track: one day I might be whole.
So now that you got through short versions, here’s the long versions and a bonus:
P.S. Apologies for lack of pictures. It’s internet, and if there’s ever “before and after” of me on it, I wish it to be on my own terms, and not some malicious individual.
Want your favorite character painted, not just printed? Want it painted just for you? Or maybe you wish you had your own painting to show off that beautiful face in a more classic but original style? Or maybe your sibling, even if just for adding “I stink” bubble to it? Well, I got you!
In style you see above I take portrait commissions now
15eu per scan (if you let me upload it on dA, you can order a print from there, I’m okay with it!)
10eu per scan if it’s black and white (or any-color + white)
30eu per me sending you the original + shipping (from 3 to 6 euros should cover it)
20eu per me sending you the black(other-color) and white original + shipping (from 3 to 6 euros should cover it)
Disclaimer: whatever fits in my paper, I might cut off your shoulder, I might cut off some tall hair, be specific about what you want.
A portrait picture sent to me via email@example.com that ought to be drawn. I’ll let you know if the picture is somehow not alright for me. (yes, it can be your fav character from a game / movie / etc., as long as I am capable of it…)
If it’s an original character: look closely at my style and take into consideration that I might not be able to pull off everything as you imagine. Details are welcome!
Head + shoulders only. Unless the body part sticks out (see Deadpool for reference)
Paypal transaction must be possible.
Let me know if I may upload it on dA
So the past week I was busting my ass on work, reading, and <drum rolls> painting. For ten years I fancied myself an artist of this or that sort. Today I realize my painting style is a bit stupid, and in the end I make real childish drawings in general. But I still somehow hope making a living out of it. Why? How? Don’t know. There are worse than me out there who are doing well. And I just thought I deserve some too, yes?
And I did get some. Meaning I painted people I like (as you see they’re not all people, and not all are real people when they are people) and sent it to them. Bunny, aka Grav3yardGirl liked it on Instagram, Reina‘s image was reblogged by SF fan page on Tumblr, Kanadajin3 retweeted hers kindly, and Bree thanked me when doing so. Love these girls, and there’s a few more I must paint too.
What I do is I get into their Instagrams, for these days I feel like people put their images there when they feel their best, and I want to paint what they feel their best, because in my view – they’re great, but from some content these people uploaded, I know they not always feel the same way themselves. I enlarge the picture as much as I can, and just start drawing on a A5 (or is it A6? half of A4) page with a pencil, trying my best to imitate what their beautiful faces look like. As you see I stylize the hair a lot, since I can’t draw hair, and they all have real, like REAL nice hair. So I try doing it justice via what I can do in general. And then I just paint and paint, and paint. I change some things, I change the colors, I get frustrated every time, and then I try to scan it with my piece of trash old scanner. Which leaves me photoshopping the picture into the original color scheme for another half hour or so…
My point is: people work, and people work hard. You see an actor or an entertainer and think “wow, their life is so nice and easy”, but that’s a big fat lie you’re imagining there. And the shit these people cope with I don’t even want to imagine. So if you sit there, on YouTube, writing a new comment, and have a choice of saying “u ugly af ur teeth lik dis” and saying “u pretty af, love what u do” – think of which one of these you’d like to hear, and say the one. Just a drop of kindness goes a very long way.
And speaking of kindness: please check out and if possible, share my mum’s [CancerBattle]; or if you believe in good faith, maybe you’d like to help me run away with my own life with [NoMoreDebts]? Or just check out my [Tumblr], follow, share, like (there’s a donation button there too), or just come chat with me there.
I’m an addict, I admit. I replayed the third game twice, and started a third row around with a different friend. I didn’t play the second one, because I have extreme motion sickness and that game is uncontrollable in the worst sense, but I watched it played on YouTube. I have finished the fourth game once, and began a second round around with the same friend, she’s very patient with me. I don’t yet have other games, but if luck’ll be on my side – there’ll be some good Steam Sales eventually.
The game is definitely a masterpiece of satire, irony, sarcasm, and a few other things I can’t even spell. It mocks many pop-culture things, some – obviously, others – via references that only some will notice. And it just makes me feel so happy inside. The boss? The boss you control is a damn leader. You’re never too small for him to come to your rescue personally. He’s not above getting lip from you. And absolutely up for any mad adventure. And I say “he” because I play a male character as a preference, but you can choose your gender, your race, your built, your character even. You can be a chubby cracker, or a lady with literal balls, and it’s GREAT.
My addictions often seep into Outernet or Afterlife too. I had a Dandy brooch from AC: Black Flag multiplayer character that I made for myself, and thus Fleur De Lis is not a strange symbol to me (I have a conspiracy theory that Boss of Saints is a descendant from that particular Dandy man), so now I’m indulging in the purple shades my good friend Medeia has once sent me, trying to make a more… Manly shade, like Purple for a brooch background. But until then I do simpler things. Like earrings. And dream of deep purple shirt. Hey, that’d fit Joker too. And yes, if you wonder, I did indeed steal a Temptress and painted it purplish pink in Joker’s colors.
Both pairs are available to buy unless I update this and state otherwise. If you can’t find them on either of my sites: please contact me directly via email firstname.lastname@example.org [Etsy] [Ebay] [CrowleyEmporium] [Tumblr]
P.S. [My Own Home?] is one place to help me out a little. Another is the [donation button] in my profile. And third one is sharing. Trust me, it’s definitely help enough.There’s of course the fourth one, my very favorite: you buying things I have made ❤ things are here: [CrowleyEmporium] ; [Ebay] ; [Etsy] – everything’s available unless stated otherwise on Crowley Emporium, it has FULL gallery of things available, unlike Ebay or Etsy
Okay, I admit, I somehow enjoy making these. Probably mostly because it’s a challenge to fill the mold precisely, for it’ll come out all nasty otherwise, incomplete or spilled-over. And then there’s my inability to imagine and project things for myself, meaning if I want to put gold on blue, I will not be able to imagine how it’ll look or what frame would fit it best, so for me it’s one of those chocolate egg treats – there’s a surprise inside when you pop the mold out of the oven.
My favorite must be the black and gold one. It turned out so very very messy, you wouldn’t believe. But I didn’t ditch it, no. I worked it until it turned into something quite nice. Even Petronia [reference goes to Anne Rice’s “Blackwood Farm”, my favorite book in the Vampire Chronicles] wouldn’t scold me for that, I think. besides the fact that I used a mold to make it…
The white-red one is a very personal piece for me. Since teen-hood, as many, I was madly in love with Japan, and then the rest of the Far East and East in general. Dir en Grey, Miyavi, all the regular ones and some less regular ones, like Hide (And the Spread Beaver), Hyde, X Japan, Malice Mizer and so on. It’s a bit sad for me to dwell back on it and see that in more than ten years I haven’t learned the language and the plans to visit Japan aren’t anywhere near fulfillment. But then again, now the internet is more familiar and so I can continue cherishing that little ember that lit up. I was deeply depressed, I needed to cling on something and that helped. Thus the personal piece – a red skeleton lady on a pure white background.
Cream-Black was an experiment and Red-Black was an accident, done with a friend beside me. In a way they’re all somehow special.
The black-black-cream was one of the first ones I made, I think it’s the most classic combination right there. Together with the bat, it was meant and is now sent to my lovely friend in Louisiana. I call her my Vampiress, for she was the reason I got into old movies with Dracula and Nosferatu, and it’s thanks to her purely that I know who Tarquin Blackwood or Petronia is. Those two, thus at the base of it – she, changed me and my life completely. I’m not sure what sort of a creature I’d be now where it not for that girl. I hope she’ll like it.
This ain’t no joke. My friends are either crazy or extra-interesting people and day after day I keep thinking how lucky I am to have them in my life. There’s always a person I can write to at 3am a text and get a reply to it. There’s always a person who’ll spare me a kind word if I share my silly future plans. There’s always a person who will make and create something beautiful and fantastic and make sure I won’t miss it. There are people who ask me the oddest things and have me try my skill limits at the craziest stuff. Like, yesterday I drew a morse on a horse. A year ago, or maybe two, I made miniature piglets for earrings. I cut up DVD disks, severed barbie hands sewed naughty parts onto teddy bears and so on. Other’s pull me into different things that help my mind, not only my crafting skills. One fairly new friend gave me her copy of German “Bartimaeus: Amulet of Samarkand” book (Jonathan Stroud Bartimaeus sequence, I have all four, but when offered I agreed to take the german one because I really like the language and it was the first foreign one that I learned, so it’ll be great to remember it and re-use it), the other, old friend, gave me a poem book with translation and original (old French) side by side, for I expressed my will to learn that language too (too many Dracula’s musicales, people. I love your love for him). Then the other one who is a cousin beside a friend, made sure I get a spot in these cheap school-trips their teacher organised for their class (teacher knew me, so she agreed gladly), so I saw Germany (Berlin, Potsdam), Estonia (Tallinn), Latvia (Riga+) and Sweden (Stockholm). And each one of these people got something about them. Some are smart beyond measure. Some are creative beyond measure. Some make movies, other’s make costumes, and you can do nothing but marvel at both. Some are able to learn a new crafting technique and make jewelry within night, worth all the praise. Some sleep few hours a day and work non stop all the other time for reasons not even they know. The only question there is – why am I in their world? I got some skill, I got some talent and some brain. But not enough of either. It’s why I say they must be crazy, but hell, I love each one of them.
So on this high note, lets go on and see how past few days went for me, shall we? Let’s start with the oldest. I experiment with techniques for crafting, for I want every piece I make to be different and as unique as it can be without being just trash. So I cut up DVD’s after I was reminded they’re made of two thinner layers stuck together, unlike one-fat-layer CD’s are. I cut the edge, stick a blade in it and rip one piece off. Put a ruler on it and cut, cut, cut. If you’re lucky, after you severed the beautiful-covered DVD in half, you will have transparent side and the pretty side. If you’re less lucky, you’ll have pretty side and one side with residue of the shiny bits.
And then I went on making other stuff. When the Muse hits me – it lasts long enough for me to burn for a couple of days and make several decent and good items or at least learn something new about making them. So what I did was: A pair of earrings carved into a book. Pretty much, I cut a slice of a book off, made back out of the cover, frame out of pages. Put a skull picture inside and covered it all in thick layer of enamel. It doesn’t look so good, I guess, but it’s different and I was quite happy in the making of it.
The other thing I made was a fail at first. I printed four pictures of skulls for this second work, cut it into a triangle and glued it on a piece of cardboard. I thought, wow, I’m so clever, this’ll be hard enough surface for paper! Then I thought… No, no it won’t. If some girl (or a boy, no discrimination here) puts those earrings into jewelry box – they’ll be crushed, they will bend and in the end – they’ll be ripped as any paper or light cardboard gets. At first I thought I’ll throw it out and just make new ones and glue them on plastic (and I will make such once I get back into the mood of making, plus I need a few more items for it now, as I ran out), but figured, if I intend to throw them out, why not learn on them and experiment? So I did. I took a knife, heated it up and dipped into dry enamel and spread it like butter in uneven chunks onto the triangles on both sides. All well and good – hard and shiny. Thing is – edges began looking dirty and uneven. So I dug into the stash of supplies from old home renovation and find some wallpaper which says “you can wash it with water“. In other words – waterproof (or hydrophobic, if you so wish) paper. I cut off even slices and put it onto the triangle edges. I think the final turn out looks decent if not real good. Not too bad, not too bad.
The third full piece is the previously mentioned DVD earrings. They’re made out of a promotional DVD one gets with PC Gamer magazine, it contains the game demo and/or promotional trailer. Pretty much, what you do is you cut the edge of it, for if you look closely – it has some kind of melted residue on it, you need to scrape it off. Then you stick the blade in between, which is a hard task – guard your fingers or wear thick, real thick gloves, and then without pulling it out – drag it around whole DVD. Then carefully rip it apart. If you’re lucky – you will have a clear side you can use for something else and whole shiny stuff will be on the part which you will cut up for the picture on it. If you’re less lucky – there’ll be residue on the clear part and you might not be able to use that then. All in the limits of your own imagination. After you done all that, you drop the fattest ruler you own and use same blade (I expect it’s either a scalpel or a box opener) to cut it. No pressure, make long, firm slices across where you want to cut over and over and over until you cut into your cutting board. I hope you have one, coz table will not like the crafting you do. The further process is up to you. I put plastic wallpaper on the back – it’s soft and squishy and green. Then covered edges with copper dye and clear acrylic paints to hold it all down. Then I pierced the holes, put through a gold colored little hoop and the hooks. Done. And I think they look beautiful.
From the creative field I can show you one small piece too. It’s an elven shaman, you’ll see her story in my DeviantArt page someday. She’s a friend of Dyaebl, who has two stories in my dA (first; second) already. It’s a very small picture, I avoid making such, even tho I find it a lot easier. But the interesting thing is not the size but the way it progressed. If you look closely, it seems it all started out so innocently and look what came out of it all. The picture in her BG is the village my father grew up in, by the way.
Now the other things. A month ago I ordered three items from one Etsy store, called Finding Supply and yesterday I finally received it. It was a free shipping, so it’s normal for it to take a month to get here. Must say, I am very happy about everything it contained. First of all, the envelope was MAYBE re-used, I don’t know, eitherway, I was glued with extra glue which held everything really, really firm and I approve to cautious shipping. Second – every item is packed firmly in the most compact size zip-bags, no excess air, no tangly edges. Packs were brand new (some people I bought from definitely re-use those bags), sturdy and well zipped. And thirdly – the items are great in quality and really cheap. Lets hope I can make lots of nice things out of it all.
And let me show you my Bartimaeus too. German language never looked as beautiful as when Bartimaeus describes his first summoning by Nathaniel. I’ve read it in Lithuanian, listened to audio book in English (I recommend it a lot, by the way) and now I can re-read it in German. No, there’s never too much of Bart. Ever.
And just to finish it nice, another picture, okay? Last collage, so to say. First on top is my new experiment – the Slave of Kirkwall from Dragon Age 2, I am a great fan of Dragon Age series, comics, books, games. Second picture on top is another experiment, it’s a bow bent four times in length and four times in width and pushed through the loops of itselfs. Strengthened with sems there and here and metal studs. At the bottom, first picture is same studs used to mark which hoodie is mine (coz there’s two same in my home and one ain’t mine), it’s an Assassin’s Creed (not Masons) symbol (tho they’re quite same). The thingy beside it is a bat made out of green note paper. Just so. Now, on far edge, three pictures, first (top) is a picture of how books hang over my head there and here, for I got no room to put it elsewhere and do trust me, there’s just no way to put them less ominously. Below are some Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag logo’s I intend to use up. What for? You’ll see. One item is already on my dA, it’s a pendant for a courtesan. And the bottom is my bane. Either no one’s there to make me tea, or no one’s simply making me tea, or there’s a cup after a cup after a cup. And I randomly drink from all of them. Yep.
Well, at least I’ve been reading, right? I’m too lazy to even watch True Blood new series come out, that’s why I kept silent on mondays. But here I am. Decided to just go ahead and force my self to write something, because that still makes more sense than not writing at all.
First of all, through the silence time I finished four more books, one of them being a short story collection by Edgar Allan Poe, and those stories are: 1. The Fall of the House Usher (a great, very short story); 2. The Murders in the Rue Morgue (not bad piece of detective); 3. A Descent into the Maelstrom (not so good, about a man descending into a whirlpool and surviving it); 4. The Pit and the Pendulum (also, not so good, about a man tortured by inquisition and saved at the last minute); 5. The Gold Bug (a very fine story of pirate treasures); 6. The Spectacles (a very funny story of a short-sighted man); 7. The Purloined Letter (also, not bad piece of a detective, but less good in compare to Rue Morgue); 8. The Cask of Amontillado (the carnival description was the best part, that sums it up); 9. Hop-Frog (a rather scary story, not a bad one, if short and thus not a really good one either).
I knew Poe best as a vampire from Kim Newman‘s work “Anno Dracula 2: Bloody Red Baron“, and there he was superb. And now I can say I’m not disappointed, he is good at what he does. He explains his stories a lot, through narrator telling the story, but not a sentence is boring, everything seems to fit into places really well and in the end it’s a light and good read.
The next book I finished was “Brain on Fire: My Month of Madness” by Susannah Cahalan. This book should be spread world wide and find a place in every medical school library, for if not the best thing you could read – still the extremely important thing you could read. Especially if you’re a medic. Pretty much, to sum it up, story is a very short biography written by S. Cahalan, a great journalist. And maybe I’m putting this wrong, it’s not exactly HER biography. It’s biography of the illness she had and – thank your and her gods / god – she got cured. It takes not only extreme skill and mind of a doctor to go from “well, she’s schizophrenic, send her to mental hospital, ciao.“, to “lets just see this, just in case, it could be…“. Naturally it takes a hellish amount of money too and you can’t be certain you’ll get better, or worse – even survive it. So what the hell did she get? She got something anyone could get and anyone could be misdiagnosed and sent off without a proper treatment. She was lucky or she was blessed, you choose, and go read this book. The further the word of this spreads, the better for all. Oh and to answer what did she get, I’ll just put it in the easiest words possible – her body attacked her own brain. Yea, that happens!
The third book I finished was “I am Legend” by Richard Matheson. Let me just say that every movie I saw based on this book in compare to it – sucks hard. The book is brilliant, purely amazing horror-survival, with good and proper vampire lore to admire, with apocalypses without the zombies, but with those more threatening, with minds of their own, with ability to unite against one last enemy… The further you get into this book, the less you wish to close it. It’s a one-day read, if that, even if you are a slow reader as I am. And it’s just so strange, this book was written in 1954, what, barely a little more than half a century after Bram Stoker put out his “Dracula” for public, and yet books differ like day and night. It’s amazing and I loved it.
And the last, fourth book I read and finished is “Pocket atlas of Women” by a polish authoress Sylwia Chutnik. Now that was a true brain wreck, I’ll tell you. At first you’re just horrified. Sarcasm and satirical darkness is flowing from every page, overwhelming. It’s degrading, terrifying and pitiful. But the further you go, the more you see. All four heroines (even the male (gay) one) are called Maria’s (Mary’s, with the man called Marion, which is equivalent of same name in male form), and each one of them has their own crosses to bear. The question is – will they bear it? Some can’t stand it, it’s too hard, too weighty if I may say so, and they just can’t see any way to improve their being, thus the last resort is The End of it all. The other one might choose to lay down under her cross and just wait death with it on top of her. The next one might just pick it all up and go on. While the fourth will fight the very need to bear it. What for? Who said you must?
This very last story, when the fight of the last little woman began, I figured why my brain has been blinking all this time, reading. It reminded me of Salinger‘s “Catcher in the Rye“. You’re boiling inside, you want to scream, cry, yell and roar. But you can’t. And your face is calm. For even if you did – nobody would give a damn, no one would care, no one would understand. No, they might even get angry for disturbing their peaceful obedient lives, the firm order they’re used to. So you pretend to be a mute. No, you don’t even pretend, you BECOME a mute, for there’s just nothing you can tell them. What, will they believe you if you’ll say you had no dreams that night? Will they care if you say school/work was fine? And if they will – do they genuinely care in the first place, or just find it in their duty list to ask and pretend they care?
And that’s why I liked this book. It could be “Pocket atlas of a Human“, for gender specification seemed rather useless to me. But then again, I guess if a man rebels – it’s less surprising than to see a woman burn down a building, right? Still. We ought to remember that no matter what, we’re all humans.
Going further from that, I’m reading probably the last thing I could find of Charlaine Harris on Sookie Stackhouse, which is her short stories collection book, barely 200 pages long, called “A Touch of Dead“. So far so good. Reading very first story on how Claudette died, eldest of the fae triplets (with brother Claude and sister Claudine). More interesting for me were the authoress’s introduction to all the stories. One is called “Dracula Night” or something similar, and it claims that Eric Northman celebrates Dracula’s birthday every year, for he’s his hero! Eric, you just gained a fat approval point from me. We’ll see how it goes tho.
Some time around I finished one long-time-made-beads pair of earrings and am rather proud of them. Called them “hanged gold“, for the little loop I made on top of the earring. Other than that I did clean my jewelry box (imagine, I have one. Altho you are probably not surprised, for you probably think you know who or what I am, right?), and finally, after a whole year, I found the keys from my safe-box. I thought I lost them forever, thou in the back of my brain I knew I put them somewhere where it seemed quite safe to put them.
At the moment I’m trying to finish Da Vinci’s Demons series and am still watching True Blood. But there’s a whole line of things I must watch for this or that reason and thing is, I kinda miss watching Anime, but because of all the series (many of them being worthless), I just have no time to spare. Oh, and naturally, I’m now a proud owner of many Steam games, like Legendary Edition of Skyrim, and Ultimate Edition of Dragon Age: Origins, and four games of Assassin’s Creed (the first one with Altair and the three of Ezio’s). Time is scarce!
Oh, okay, and lets not forget that suddenly I’m thrown into the world of Haruki Murakami, as I bought my very first book of his, which is “A Wild Sheep Chase“. Before I began reading it, I did what I usually do – I googled it. And found out that it’s third book out of four (trilogy + ), so naturally I went head over heels trying to get the first two, for I will just feel terrible with my stupid OCD, if I start from the middle AGAIN. For that happened before, quite a few times. And with the book club book, I ended up having three books in line, reading one paper book, and thus having that paper book of Murakami in line with e-books. That’s a messed up sentence, let me re-think that… I try my best to read as many paper books as I can, for I own a lot, and I just want to either get rid of some, or be able to visit library more often again without the pressure in my consciousness “hey, you have a ton of books home, what the hell are you doing??“. So as I have third book out of four in paper, I ended up requiring some kind of e-books of the first two, making third book unavailable to read right now. Hm. Doesn’t seem any clearer, so I’ll leave it at that, okay?
Alright, so for now that’ll be that. I’ll take pictures of the books I hunted down last month and filled my home library with AGAIN. Let me just say that it includes a very old copy of Sleepy Hollow (or is it “Headless Huntsman” afterall? )