I feel like thanking so many people and so many circumstances that led me to this book. I assume that the dumb smile it left on my face basically means one thing:”An Unattractive Vampire” by Jim McDoniel (ISBN 1941758649; 309p.; Goodreads) is one damn good book. Never have I laughed so much out loud.
Yulric Bile is an ancient saxon vampire, a master of survival and deception, a true evil mastermind of the kind that was neither pretty, nor good. The type that does not get “sired” or “created“, but rather is too evil to stay dead. He lived this long thanks to his cunning, and, of course, immortality, so when an angry mob with pitchforks and torches marches towards his home: Yulric doesn’t break a sweat. After all, everything is going according to plan. Right?
Right. Until the witchhunter out there to get him figures this is a far too old, and far too cunning beast he’s dealing with, so he walks an extra mile to imprison Yulric for as long as possible, if not forever. And thus, in our modern times, vampire wakes in a suburban pink house basement, and is greeted by a brand new world. A world where vampires are show stars, attractive, sexy, and bweh – good! A good vampire! Unheard of! He needs to find out who is making these awful creatures, right now! Which just happens to fit okay with the plans of immortality his house inhabitants had themselves, when they were digging him out. Of course, they didn’t expect someone like Yulric: ugly, bony, with jagged sharp teeth and horror for a face. But if he really wants to meet these “vampires“, well, they’re happy to oblige. Especially if it gets him out of their house. Which, apparently, is actually his.
The book is not a parody. It is its own thing, and just happens to mock some other vampiric pop shit we got. I have laughed my butt off reading it, there are so many good jokes, and the fact that Yulric is terrible to behold gives such a wonderful relief of lack of love interest! No love triangles, no sparkly vampires, no overly-handsome… I take that back, there are those, but Yulric made the same face you probably did, when thinking of it. The “ew, what stinks so bad?” face. So anyway, 5 out of 5, goes right to my favs, and I’ll be looking into getting a physical copy. I have to own this. Anyone know the author? I want to thank him.