Not that long ago I battled the depth of the darkest depression. I was prepared to leave this world. I saw no point in anything and it just made sense to quit it then. I used to plan and in my heart know that non of it will come true. I used to tell people I’ll come visit, we’ll go some place, etc., good friends, and yet in my heart I knew it’ll never happen. I thought, since I’m needed, I’ll just pretend for as long as I can. When you fake confidence – real confidence grows on you. So maybe depression will die if I pretend I don’t have it? But I knew better, in my heart.
A few days ago, definitely not more than a couple weeks back, it dawned upon me, after reading the story of one artist I admire here, in Lithuania. Her story was my answer. She ditched everything, all she had, all her life, for a dream, a whim. She went on, far away from her home, from her comfort zone, risking everything she has built. Walls and fences didn’t stop her. She did it. Why? Because she wanted. It was her goal. And that was my problem! I had no goal.
Understanding that woke me up. And today I can say I beat the depression for the second time in my life (currently I’m 25 years old, I’ll be 26 in December), with that simple understanding: I need a goal.
It’s simpler than “killing the batman”, trust me. It might not be everyone’s case, but I know many out there drift just like I do. So here’s our answer. My answer: find a goal. Find something you could wake up in the morning for, no alarm clocks, no grumpyness for having to get up. Find something you will do with a smile 20, no, heck, 10 or even just 5 years from now. And if you don’t know what that is yet – that’s fine. Your goal then is to find a goal. A dream to have a dream, as silly as it sounds. It’s all it takes. Find a direction or make it your goal to find it.
Now here’s the tricky part in my life, and I hope it’s a super rare thing. When I didn’t want to live – life was shoved down my throat. Now that I want to live… I have no means to survive.
I am well aware that all things, good and bad alike, pass. I am aware that this will pass too. I’ll have a job, I’ll be able to move places, maybe even study something I want. But until then, how do I get by? I live in a small town with very limited resources. I cannot move out, because moving out takes resources that I don’t have. I’m kind of stuck and more than a little scared of this situation. People always tell of their success with only a couple bucks in their pockets. Some say even zero is enough. But what do you do when you have a negative number? Yet when you think about it – all I need is to survive. It’s just that I don’t know how. Hopefully it’s not too late later on. Because I’d like to live.
I wish you to not end up in situation like this – having the means when means aren’t needed, and having no means when they are very needed. And I wish you find the best goal ever. Don’t be afraid. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Not a thing.