So who do you wish to be when you grow up?

The question in the title says it all. I’m almost 25 now, and yet this question bothers me a lot. I always considered myself a writer, and yet I never wrote anything. I probably will and it’s just taking a lot of time, yet still it’s a bit discouraging to think I spent ten years on a book I’m not even half-way done.
In the meantime – I freelance as a translator. I translate texts from English into my native language, which is Lithuanian (by all means, Lithuanians do not by default speak Russian, we’ve got our own language, Lithuanian, one of the last two Baltic Language Family tongues). Rough stuff, blueprints, meaning I need my own editor. I pay her from my own pocket, but rare a publisher wishes to hire someone who needs a second pair of hands on one text. It’s simply cheaper to make the translator do all the work. So I’m trying to learn grammar and punctuation (feel very free to point out every mistake, and if you can – tell me why it’s wrong, how it’s done and why it’s done so, thus the rule of it) so that I can indeed do all the things. I like translating, because it provides me with texts, books even, which I can read, learn something new and earn some money doing so. Then I craft all those things, you can find a link to my etsy on the right. I do that mostly because from books to video-games – I found myself an escape in imagining I am somebody else, someone not here or not from here. While crafting, I love to imagine myself as an elven craftsman. I then work doing my best, for you can’t find equal works to those of elf making, right? So I have to work really hard. And I make brooches, cameo style, I’m trying to learn making them without using molds, because of Petronia from Anne Rice‘s “Blackwood Farm“. And if there’s time and inspiration – I draw. I’m not sure why I don’t feel satisfaction with drawing and painting, at least not as much as I should if I were an artist, but there it is. People say: don’t worry, so you’re slow on progress, so the drawing isn’t perfect, but you had fun! No, that’s the point. I didn’t have fun. I used it as an outlet, I used it as an erraser for all the thoughts, because my mind is so very blank while I draw, that sometimes I look at my old pieces and can’t remember whether it’s really mine. Same happens with writings.
Now, I don’t consider myself an artist. But I love to think I’m a writer, as I said above. And it’s because I enjoy it. I love it. I can be all these people, I can be whoever I want. And then I can come back to reality and find things of these historical figures I sometimes use, and rejoice in that too. But is it really what I want to do? Probably. Alongside to translations thou, I guess.
The question popped into my head when I, as I do, was running my fingers over my temples. It’s now all stubble-y, because I had my temples shaved. The way Tilda Swinton wears her hair, or Connor (ACIII), or Miley Cyrus even (before, at least), or Macklemore. It became popular, so I figured it’s safe now to do it, it’s safe now to get the haircut I wanted for what, ten years now? Here’s a thing. For almost five years now I want a couple of tattoos. For three years definitely I have a complete, ideal idea in my head for two on my two fingers. And then since like twelve I wanted my hair blue, ever since I watched my first anime series and there were people with blue hair and I figured – hey… People actually GET blue hair, with dyes and stuff! Yes, I was a bit slow on everything. But I have this feeling that it’ll take me forever to do that too, even thou now would be the perfect time to go blue-haired (not even blue, I prefer that green-blue, deep and dark, but blue is just as great, as long as it’s a vivid color), when Tumblr is still on it’s peak of life and is promoting all these fun and great things. Yes, Tumblr is yet another outlet for me nowadays. A great one too. But why won’t I just do it now? Because, as I said before, I’m a freelance. And in my small town, where if all else fails, I will have to get a regular day-job – absolutely no one will hire a blue-haired person with visible tattoos. No one. Big cities – sure. Not this little hole I live in. So, in general, I’m simply scared life will catch up on me and drag me down off my puffy blue cloud and hit me hard into cold hard ground – the reality. Where I’ll be forced to be like everyone else.
In a week I’ll be off to UK again. I like it in UK. Mostly because there – I’m no different. I’m part of a crowd, no matter my hair, no matter the way I dress. If you’re the person who thinks it’s okay to mock and show disgust to a person who had their ear-nips stretched (I don’t know the technical term), then you won’t believe me, but then you are probably the guy who thinks girls put on make-up in the morning for you, aren’t you? Well here’s a fun thing: the alternative people, as you call them, people with bright hair, people with piercings and tattoos, all of them – they don’t do it so you’d notice them. They don’t do it for attention, mockery or any reaction you can offer. What a person does with themselves – is for themselves. So the next time you shave your face or your legs, you go ahead and think as of why you do it. Do YOU don’t like the body hair or someone else doesn’t? Will someone mock you if you won’t? If so, will you follow my example and continue doing things people expect you to do, rather than what you’d prefer, or will you break the ice and maybe the path for others, by allowing yourself to be yourself?

 

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