Anzelika Liauskaite – Uncrowned Kings

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I recomended this book “Nukarunuoti Karaliai” (Uncrowned Kings) by Anzelika Liauskaite to a friend before reading it and I am terribly ashamed I did so. For she bought it and lent it to me before reading, and I’ve read it and it was terrible.

The pink bubble on the cover says it’s a Lithuanian Sensation “If you liked 50 Shades of Grey, you will like this!”. Honestly I did not read more than four chapters of 50 Shades, so I can’t say anything about it, but this wrecked my brain. I like Lithuanian female writers, they’re good, often – they’re brilliant. This one puts it all to dust with one thick book, filled with graphomania and one boring chapter after another.

First of all, this book promotes itself as something shocking, yet in my understanding – author did try to shock, but got shocked herself by what she wrote, so she skipped as soon as she could. At some points a paragraph ends with words like “I rode the Moby Dick like a water nymph” or something like that and then she (author) adds “I don’t mean Moby Dick literally.” You don’t say! And then, right in the next paragraph she speaks on how she took metro to work. At one point I half expected the heroine to look down and notice she wears no skirt, for she was just putting on blush by her mirror and remarked being only in her blouse, and next thing you know – she’s going to work. I wouldn’t mind skipping the obvious details, if it was constant skipping, but no. The reader was told what make-up she puts on, what underwear she’s wearing, even what underwear HE was wearing, and THEN, when it’s maybe a bit important to mention this or that – it’s not done. Sorry, I did not care to know that crap there.

Then there’s scenes like “I am like this, but I am not like this, but I sure as hell am like this!”, where heroine says one, does another. Not in the manner of “well, okay, I admit…”, but in the manner “no, this is not the same”. Sort of, she goes all against one-night gigs, but the next thing you know, it’s exactly what’s happening and she’s rejoicing in the memory of it, of being “f-ed like a dirtiest wh-re”. I don’t judge, hell, I don’t even care. It’s just that I don’t like YOU yourself saying you’re against what you later on do.

Plus – I’ve read plenty of books on courtesans and other extra-feminine women, who gone into fashion jobs and such, lets include even the Sex and the City in this. All those together had less stereotypes for women than this book. Here a woman is exactly the standard one imagines (let me remind you, it’s written by a woman), with inability to stop shopping, get a better job by herself (she did, but her goals were not high at all, being a secretary to, in her own word, powerful man – was her thing. She’d even mention imagining sex with her boss. Plus she’d gladly talk about how SHE imagines other MEN imagine HER having sex with THEM. Yes, imaginception – I imagine that you imagine…) and so on. And then there’s the female prep stereotype – everyone wants me for I have real pretty and mysterious eyes. It got to the point where she was threatened to be one of those pampered girls who men buy as toys to keep until they’re bored, or get destroyed. And to be honest, it was the only good part in the book!

Author tried many things.  A little bit of lesbian action (kisses) with best friends, a little bit of treesom, a little bit of public sex (yes, this book spun around sex a lot, and let me just tell you, that even I wrote better sex scenes than you can find in this damn thing), even one itsy bitsy stupid attempt on drugs, which gone forgotten in half a chapter. A man after a man left her, and for each one she cried and wept and ran to another country. And it all ended in a lot of weddings – one virgin grey mouse “fixed” a bimbo man, who settled with this pure thing of his, other one made another successful footballer ditch his wife and marry her after knocking her up, also – lived happily ever after. And she herself, after being nearly bullied into kissing her first big love she whined about through the whole book – got kidnapped in a good way by her prince charming from France. Another happily ever after. May I have a bucket? I want to throw up.

Whole book in general is about this student missy, I dare not say – a typical lithuanian girl, more like a stereotypical lithuanian girl, who claims to be all mess because of her first love dumping her. Thing is, no one exactly explains what happened and her weeping happens only when author remembered that this was the core of her book. So this girl, Elizabeth, runs off to UK to work there first in a factory, then as a waitress, just to forget about him and make money to study further on, for living in a different city is a bit expensive if you have to pay for studying too. There she finds a man or two to date about a little and after another couple of “I’ll shock you” and “my heart is bleeding, everyone takes me for a wh-re”, she returns to Lithuania (again, I don’t like the stereotype, especially when girls put it onto themselves). Studies there for some time, and after another man leaves her – runs off to UK again. There, thanks to a girl friend, she gets a bit better job and again meets a couple of men, and trust me, I skipped a lot of of stuff. Somewhere there everything starts to roll out of itself and one good scene pretty much sums up the book and the rest is just marriages. So what’s the book about? About a girl who can’t decide anything and make her mind up on anything. I give this book 1 out of 5, and I’ll just go send this book back to my friend with a box of chocolates, with hopes she’ll forgive me…

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