My father’s short cancer story

I didn’t plan to write this here, but I feel like it would be best I explained why the upcoming few months might be sporadic. This is the first entry, the second one is here: Cancer Logs 1

My father is on life support. He’s still talking, but things he’s saying aren’t coherent or make much contextual sense. Cancers spreading through his body are eating him up. And all I hope for is that he’s on good enough meds to make it not hurt anymore.
He’s been sick for a while, but our local hospital is not worth the toenails of the people they’re “treating”, and I will absolutely get vocal about it once this situation ends. There were many instances where they found blood where blood was not supposed to be, and he complained about stomach aches, kidney pains, and things like that (like persistent cough) for a while now. So they knew. And they chose to leave it at “ah, he has type II diabetes, must be complications, let’s change up the meds and see what happens”. This would inevitably grow worse, family doctor would get frustrated with our instance on check-ups, and pass him onto another one. He changed several, for none wanted the work this man was.
On June 18th I woke up to voices of strangers in my home. Mum has called an ambulance, and what an insolent woman came. She checked his vitals, told us he’s fine, even though he couldn’t get up, and was bed-ridden for three months. Then grated our asses for waiting this long: we didn’t. We called ambulance time and time again. We called family doctor and begged for a home visitation. None happened. Ambulance would come, check vitals, and ignore the pain this man was talking nonsense about. What pain if your vitals are fine, right?
After what was an extended arguing between this woman I don’t wish to call a medic, this ambulance driver, she finally agreed to take him in, and we had to carry the 100 kilos weighting man who couldn’t walk – down two flights of stairs and into the ambulance, because this woman came alone, unprepared, and near-rolling her eyes said “well, help him in, -I- can’t carry him!”
An hour in ER, with nurses and staff flocking around coffee machine and just watching the circus we wait for anyone at all. Father is starting to turn this human shade of purple-red, and is very clearly fainting. Mum screams, they rush in with the bed on wheels, and as we, yes, still mum and I, lift him into it – he faints.
Days go by, we bring him clothes and cool water or mineral water to drink, just to get told he’s fine, he’s talking, he’s laughing, vitals are good. Until at last we find his doctor’s number and ask her about it: his stomach is getting soft, there’s liquid in one of his lungs (the same he complained hurts really bad, to a point where he would only lay on his other side), but otherwise he’s fine. Do you feel my rage yet?
Again, days go by, there’s absolutely no filling of his medical file that we have access to as family online, so we call again. This time we’re answered by a different family doctor: yet another one quit the man who needed more help than just a prescription. This one too said he’s sick but he’s fine, just in more words.
June 29th father calls (he called almost every day to just generally talk a little bit, and so we followed the progress of him losing coherence, for he made less and less sense), and this is the last somewhat clear chat we have with him. He says, and I quite: bring me some clothes to change in, smaller t-shirt than the ones I have, they’re taking me to Vilnius (Lithuania’s Capital) for surgery.
We rush in, give him everything, BEG for nurses to give us his old clothes for washing, because we’re running out of his clothes by now, and go home to wait again. Due to covid-19 situation, people, visitors, aren’t yet allowed.
June 30th they take another Covid test, which is 24hrs, and on July 1st nurse calls us, urgently, to bring him clothes to change in, they’re taking him to Vilnius. There’s urgency in the air. As we’re lifting him out of wheel chair into the ambulance, he falls down and the four of us barely lift him up, barely conscious by now.
Since then he calls us every morning, very early, and says the same line: bring me some cold soda, would you? We kindly ask him where he lays (since such information isn’t necessarily available even to family member, and we need to write it on the bag for nurses to take it to him), and he, in a serious child tone says: I will find out and call you back.
He never does, of course, and likely soon forgets all about it, being on many meds, stress, pain relievers, and being generally very, very weak.
Today (July 3rd) we called in again, and got told that metastasis is spreading through his body, rapidly, and that no, we can’t, and absolutely shouldn’t bring him any drinks, he’s on the primer life support. It’s a matter of time now, but they’re doing all they can, which is seemingly more than Elektrenai ever did, to allow him as much time as they can. They took him to Vilnius and accepted that he’s not “all fine, talking, laughing with the nurses” after around 5th day of him not being able to hold down any food at all. And so I pray, I hope, I wish, that he’s at least on meds enough now not to feel the pain he was in for months, all while his vitals, blood pressure and such, were good, and therefore nobody besides his immediate family gave a damn.
I myself am preparing for the worst, because now everything falls on me. My mother, our home, even my older sister, they’re all on me. Together with what hospital bills there might be, the trips to Vilnius that we are taking sparingly, because 50km by bus is both a bit pricey and dangerous what with pandemic still being active. And the future funeral.
Some of you know me already, and know what hell I’ve gone through already. Please know right now I’m entering another circle of it. Maybe the last one, one can only hope. And so I beg of you, if anyone can help somehow, be it money or advice, a share or a kind word, any and all would be appreciated beyond what I can put into words. I’m numb from the pain that comes from the very core of a child’s soul when one is losing a parent, when one knows they can do nothing to save this parent. Whatever he was, however he was, he deserved better than this.
Don’t feel obliged, but if you got something to spare, both I and my mother would appreciate it
Categories: The Afterlife, Uncategorized | Tags: , | Leave a comment

book review | Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody by Michael Gerber | Barry Trotter 1

barry trotter nad the unauthorized parody michael gerberAuthor: Michael Gerber
Title: Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody
Series: Barry Trotter 1
Genre: Parody; Humor
Pages: 176
Rate: 3/5 | Goodreads 

While “Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody” by Michael Gerber is not a good book per say, with all the shit coming from JKR, concerning both books and her views, it’s almost believable.

About the Book: The Dork Lord is plotting again, and this time he has a legitimate chance at it. Figuring people are growing too smart and clever for his schemes and tricks, he kidnaps the author of Barry Trotter (the OTHER author) and makes her write more books. Whilst he makes movies out of them. Full of marketing ploys and plots, scenarios engineered to dumb the viewer down, the Dork Lord will soon enslave everyone into his corporate scheme. And it’s up to Barry to stop him!

My Opinion: This feels like someone wrote a Wizarding World themed DLC for Saints Row game. The humor is around that level, and then down to Most Scary Movie level, holes in the brain and such. But the plot is easy to follow, generally the book is decently written too.

So if you feel like it, assess what humor you like, and don’t let anyone put you down if this is indeed what you enjoy. I’ll give it a 3 out of 5, wasn’t for me.

Categories: 3-5, Books: Everything, Books: Fantasy, Books: Funny!, Fantasy Books | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

book review | Gifts of the Crow by John M. Marzluff, Tony Angell

gifts of the crow john marzluff tony angel corvidAuthor: John M. Marzluff, Tony Angell
Title: Gifts of the Crow
Series: –
Genre: Nonfiction; Science Literature
Pages: 304
Rate: 5/5 | Goodreads

Gifts of the Crow” by John M. Marzluff and Tony Angell is full of real, wonderful stories of corvid family birds, and a study of their thought processes, biology behind it. The latter I didn’t fully grasp, but it didn’t take away anything from the book.

About the Book: The book tells an in-depth story of corvids (crows, ravens, etc.), and what fantastical birds they are, able of learning, recognizing, remembering events. From there they can make proper judgement calls and react accordingly. From throwing nuts on the road for cars to crush, to waiting for the traffic to stop so they could feast. From working together to trick a bigger animal into abandoning food, to sharing the bounty. From offering a bartering gift to a human, be it a little found item or just outright company, when in need of human aid, to a thank-you gift once this aid has been provided.

My Opinion: What’s safe for them to eat? Can I just carry around a ziplock bag with some kibble in attempts to make friends with these magical birds? The book is superbly interesting, and the science part, if you don’t get it the way I don’t, will not interfere with anything, nor take anything away.

I can’t recommend this book enough. A firm 5 out of 5, well earned.

Categories: 5-5, Books: Everything, Books: NonFiction, Science Books | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

book review | Dopesick by Beth Macy

dopesick beth macyAuthor: Beth Macy
Title: Dopesick
Series: –
Genre: Nonfiction; Science
Pages: 384
Rate: 5/5 | Goodreads

Dopesick” by Beth Macy is dark, strong, and very scary. Mostly because that the tale it tells is true, happening today and will happen tomorrow.

About the Book: Mind ruled by opium is mind not your own, and yet… How are you supposed to live in reality, when you saw life, world, at its very best? Starting with Soldier’s Disease, to whom opium was given for obvious reasons, later in form of heroin, from where the title of the drug originates. Continuing with pharma pushing medicine and claiming its not addictive, doctors who over-prescribed them, and people who believed these greed embodiments have their best interest at hand. And ending with a system meant to keep you, and never let you go. User, abuser, gets arrested, gets no treatment, then is thrown out with no means to get apartment or food stamps, with very vague possibilities of job… They go back to dealer, ask for a favor, resell some, pay back, use up some to not see this darkness a failed system put them in. They get arrested, get no treatment, and the cycle continues until, usually, young death.

My Opinion: It’s scary to read of a mother who cared for household and kids like a superhero. Who needed a simple surgery, and got oxyContin prescribed for the pain. It’s scary how fast her life becomes a slope going down at terrifying speed. Scary how systematic racism ties into this too. The book is strongly written, it’s very clear, and will scare off many, I hope.

Read it. Give it to your kids to read it too. 5 out of 5.

Categories: 5-5, Books: Everything, Books: NonFiction, Science Books, True Crime Books | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

book review | Master Thieves by Stephen Kurkjian | true crime

master thieves boston gangsters stephen kurkjian art heist bookAuthor: Stephen Kurkjian
Title: Master Thieves
Series: –
Genre: True Crime; Heist
Pages: 272
Rate: 4/5 | Goodreads

I had to brush the dust off “Master Thieves” by Stephen Kurkjian, that’s how long it sat in my TBR pile.

About the Book: In 1990 thirteen pieces of artwork have been stolen from a low security Boston museum. And to this day the case remains open, with even the Boston gangsters trying to help out. For the heist was so perfect, covering every loose end so well, that the art remains missing, and the case remains unsolved.

My Opinion: The book is not very interesting to read, and I dare say its due to a tad dry-ish writing style, because its good for what it is. Well paced, with plenty of details, and on interesting topic. Doesn’t get you invested though.

It’s worth the while if you like books about heists. A 4 out of 5 from me.

Categories: 4-5, Books: Crime, Books: Everything, Books: NonFiction, heists, True Crime Books | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Blackwood Emporium | Nocturnal Masquerade

vampire the masquerade earrings auskarai vampyru

A collection made for nocturnal children, the vampires, the werewolves, the others. Partially inspired by Vampire the Masquerade. Some of them, and similar, also my made, you can witness in action at Maiden of the Eventide videos.

What is left of this collection can be found here: [BLACKWOOD]

Categories: Artwork, Creations, General, Little Joys, My Work, The Afterlife, Treasures | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

book review | The Sorcerer of the Wildeeps by Kai Ashante Wilson

kai ashante wilson the sorcerer of the wildeepsAuthor: Kai Ashante Wilson
Title: The Sorcerer of the Wildeeps
Series: The Sorcerer of the Wildeeps 1
Genre: LGBTQIAP+ Literature; Fantasy
Pages: 212
Rate: 5/5 | Goodreads

Damn, I’m so happy right now. Friend recommended me “The Sorcerer of the Wildeeps” by Kai Ashante Wilson, and it was just the right book for me. In a sense, it felt like one of those Earthsea books, but the story was much more interesting to read.

About the Book: Demane is a healer of the caravan, making their way towards a far away kingdom. But his brothers tend to call him sorcerer instead. Due to strange speech, stranger still abilities, and in general – due to his unusual self as a whole. But they have no idea just how much more and how much less than a sorcerer Demane is. He is a demi-god, one of those who once left the earth for heaven, but is now earthbound. And just how much does it take to keep them all alive. For out there in the wilds there’s a horror of a creature born of necromancy, who doesn’t seem to follow any rules all other predators keep to, such as: avoid the roads, feast on those who stray, don’t waste food… No, this beast does what it wills, and right now the caravan is heading towards it.

My Opinion: Interesting writing style, pleasantly different, stronger than the regular stuff we tend to get when it comes to deep philosophical fantasy, where the hero expresses the complexity of the world in monologues, thoughts, and senses. The story was amazing too, kept me on the edge of the chair no matter where the caravan was – outside the walls, in a city, on the road, events never stopped, they just changed pace. And characters are well written too, I kept hopes of survival up for each one of Demane’s brothers, something I rarely care about.

It’s beautiful, different, and I can’t wait for the next one. 5 out of 5 from me.

Categories: 5-5, Books: Everything, Books: Fantasy, Books: LGBT, Books: Sci-Fi, dark fantasy, Fantasy Books, LGBTQ+ Books, M/M Literature, Sci-Fi Books | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

book review | Where the Devil says Goodnight by K.A. Merikan | Folk Lore 1

where the devil says goodnight k.a. merikanAuthor: K.A. Merikan
Title: Where the Devil Says Goodnight
Series: Folk Lore 1
Genre: Dark Fantasy; M/M Romance
Pages: 362
Rate: 3/5 | Goodreads

Sometimes even the best of annotations can trip you over. I thought “Where the Devil Says Goodnight” by K.A. Merikan will be just for me. Turns out it’s really not for me.

About the Book: As times move on, people abandon superstition and with it – old religions, old gods. Even to the most remote of places New Age eventually arrives. Such is this village looming in the middle of an ancient forest, where Father Adam was sent. Just barely touched by modern world, with wounds still raw, it’s full of little rituals meant to appease the pagan gods of nature. Strange lack of balanse among its people leaves Adam at unease. As if the land still remembers the dues and the debts.

My Opinion: Slavic lore, especially that coming from the Poland, is very similar to our own, Baltic lore. Interesting descriptions and curious magic was what got all three points in this book. Because the rest didn’t hold up. The story was very dragged, with the final day – far away, and the days in between – filled with nonsensical stuff that barely added to the plot. Romance was boring and even upsetting. And every side character presented this stereotypical good-guy / bad-guy portrait.

It’s okay. A 3 out of 5.

Categories: 3-5, Books: Everything, Books: Fantasy, Books: LGBT, dark fantasy, Fantasy Books, LGBTQ+ Books, M/M Literature | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

log | let me read your soul

A thought struck me yesterday. I realized that there are quite a few (more than I will admit here) books that I’ve read not because I wanted to per say. But because they were favorites of people I admire.

If I do admire someone, I usually want to know everything about them, as in depth as I can. And since it’s easiest for me to understand the written text, I tend to gravitate towards the favorite books they mention. Here’s a few, without mentioning any names:

  1. Graceling by Kristin Cashore: It’s the first book in a trilogy. And while I didn’t like it much, I do see why they liked it as much as they did. It was definitely among the best of its time, but I’ve read it far later, quite a bit after or just in the peak of getting burned out from young adult type of fantasy. Still, it helped me understand their need of escape into a fantasy realm, and I could appreciate it.
    Review: EN ][ LT
  2. Misery by Stephen King: Definitely one of the best books by King. Of which he has very many. It’s a scary piece, scary in the psychological way, with that horrible, nasty, gritty feeling of helplessness. Sometimes I still wonder why they loved it as much as they did, and I hope they didn’t identify with any of the characters.
    Review: EN ][ LT
  3. 69 by Ryu Murakami: I didn’t even know of this author before I found their “favorites” list. It’s a good and interesting book that I’m glad to have read. And reading it I could definitely feel the whole obsession with Asia they had too. I just wish it got farther for them.
    Review: Goodreads ][ LT
  4. The Exorcism by William Peter Blatty: I can barely remember this book. Wasn’t in my best mind-space back then, so maybe that’s why. I do think I liked it better than the movie, and the movie was pretty good, so there’s that?… This helped me understand their fascination in religion, the construct, the solid base, which they lacked in their life and clearly craved.
    Review: Goodreads ][ LT
  5. Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas: This was way more interesting that I thought it would be. I’m really glad I’ve read the book. Don’t usually like classics all that much, and might be I wouldn’t like it so much reading it second time around either, but in the moment it was very fun. The book helped me realize how important a loyal friendship is for them.
    Review: Goodreads ][ LT

I really can’t claim I got to know any of the people whose favorites I’ve read better. But if I like you, I want to know what you like, and so that’s that!

Have you ever read anything from admired person’s list of favs?

ko-fi][ patreon


Categories: book facts, Books: Everything, Little Joys, The Afterlife, Treasures | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

book review | White Rage by Caron Anderson

the unspken truth of racial divide white rage carol andersonAuthor: Carol Anderson
Title: White Rage
Series: –
Genre: History; Nonfiction
Pages: 256
Rate: 5/5 | Goodreads

In the face of what’s happening in the world right now, the best we can do is listen and learn. So I picked up “White Rage: The Unspoken Truth of Our Racial Divide” by Carol Anderson. It shines light and gives better perspective on USA history, and what brought the whole world (thankfully) to this point.

About the Book: The book begins with the earliest history of America, which is fairly recent in comparison. It tells a surreal sounding tale of systematic racism, undercutting, and this constant mix of rage and despair, fear and loathing. And then, after listening to the atrocities that end with president Obama, you hear what sounds like a prophecy: mayors, governors, fear what will happen when yet another innocent black man is shot on the street.

My Opinion: The book didn’t get that far, it was released before the proverbial camel’s back broke, but that should only help you think. In a world where people refuse to listen and outright mocks the plea of the people just like them, merely because their system is made so its more convenient to do so – is violence then not the only language one can’t ignore? First pride “parade” was a violent riot too. So if we could just listen to people, people like Carol Anderson, maybe we’d not reach another point in our history again, where human beings have to throw rocks to be heard. This is a superbly written book, with a very kind author providing information to cover every corner in a tight, condensed manner, that leads you to very clear vision of why we’re here today.

It’s a great book, and I hope everyone reads it, and many more too. A strong 5 out of 5 from me.

america is stolen land built by people who were stolen from their land

Categories: 5-5, Books: Everything, Books: NonFiction, Historical Books | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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